Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
sounds kinky. i’m in.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened