“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
that wasn’t the question
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.