Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
You Might Also Like
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
just witnessed a drug deal
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
All excellent questions
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.