If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB