Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
You Might Also Like
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Sex so good you see dead people.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.