I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!