Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Sticker placement is key.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd