Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
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The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
This did not end as expected.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.