Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.