Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*