Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
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DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…