WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
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Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!