love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
True.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.