No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
You Might Also Like
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
welcome back
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?