interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
You Might Also Like
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I love wikipedia
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad