It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year