My friends tinder conversation PLEASE βπΌπππ
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless itβs anything I specifically asked her.
Me at 15: I canβt wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it βStool Sample.β
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spellβ¦
Itβs going to be a long weekend.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so Iβm really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I was disappointed he didnβt mean the UK when he said heβd take me to pound town.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure thatβs what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Covid like
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?