Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
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When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS