[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
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Why I divorced her.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.