Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.