When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
me when i see my girls butt
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Taliband
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.