rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
You Might Also Like
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right