Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
You Might Also Like
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood