Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
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Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?