We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
You Might Also Like
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Sign of the day..
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Candles never taste the way they smell
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over