me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
You Might Also Like
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?