Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
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Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
a fate I wish upon no one
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”