Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”