Ok, but like, how married are you?
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I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Just a reminder, folks:
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*