No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
You Might Also Like
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
seems fine
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*