People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit