I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
You Might Also Like
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
it is time once again
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
bad news gang
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.