Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
You Might Also Like
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“I FIXED IT!”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.