Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
You Might Also Like
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler