I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Goodnight 🐶
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
B