Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Dune (2021)
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once