The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Coffee for people with no kids
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”