“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
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Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
😂😂😂😂😂😂