My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school