Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
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Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue