My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
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My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My time has come.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.