My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”