They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
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a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster