The biggest mystery of our time
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i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*