Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.