Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
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[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
I have two kinds of followers
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?