beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
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every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.