I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
how it started vs how it ended
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question