me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
me linking you to my twitter
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.