[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
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It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.